| Category | Quote | E-Mail this quote | | Argument | I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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| Comic Books | I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
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| Death | What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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| Dogs | You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
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| Drivers | The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
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| Golf | Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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| Lumber | The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
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| Medical care | We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.
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| Metric System | Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
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| Religion | People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- (from "Dave Barry Turns 50") | |
| Skiing | Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
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| Women | If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
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